Overcoming Fear - the story of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives"

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear;

but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

(2 Timothy 1:6-7)

Towards the end of 2013, I was sitting at the piano flipping through the hymn book.  I stopped on a well-loved LDS favorite, "I Know That My Redeemer Lives", and began to play it, pondering the words while I played.  I've always loved Samuel Medley's beautiful words and the simple tune by Lewis D. Edwards.  As I finished playing this beautiful song the sweet message in the words continued to resonate within me.  At that moment,  quite unexpectedly, a new melody entered my mind; not the one that I was familiar with and had sung to those words all of my life, but something entirely different.  Curious, I began to play the new tune with my right hand, and no sooner had I begun when the full piano accompaniment presented itself, almost magically.  I was amazed at how quickly it had formed and was even more amazed to find that this new melody matched Samuel Medley's words completely.  Interesting! 

But then...

I got up from the piano and stepped away from it, quickly coming to my senses.  "No-o-o-o-o  way!"  I thought,  "Uh, uh!  I wouldn't dare touch that one with a ten-foot pole!"  My thoughts had returned to the original hymn as I argued with my inner self that "it's a classic", and "it's everyone's favorite", and "is one I would consider 'untouchable'", and that "people would think I was crazy for even trying to write a new melody to go along with those words."  So, firmly convinced it would be a disaster, and determined to ignore and forget the idea altogether, I went about the rest of my day thinking the new tune would simply slip from my mind. Well, apparently it wasn't that easy.

Throughout the following days,...then weeks,...then months, that new melody continued to haunt me.  Normally, with a few exceptions, when a new song pops into my mind if I don't take the time to actually write the tune on paper, or at the very least scrawl down just a few notes of it, the song will leave my mind entirely.  Poof!  Gone.  However, on this particular occasion I didn't write down a thing and yet the melody remained.  I had been so certain that it was such a bad idea to change the original hymn that I simply refused to go there.  I couldn't write it down.  I was actually quite terrified at the thought.  I was afraid.  But that didn't seem to matter, because the tune stuck with me...and it stuck with me whenever I sat down to work on another song project.  Each time I made an attempt to work on another song I accomplished absolutely nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  All I kept getting was composer's block on every song I pulled out. 

After what seemed like months of struggle, with nothing more to show for my efforts, I finally relented (yeah, I'm kind of a slow learner, as you might have guessed).  I sat back down at the piano, opened up the hymnal to "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" and began to play it, but not as it is written in the hymn book; I played it with the new melody.  Once again, the accompaniment came easily and all was as it had been when I played it months before, as though someone had simply pressed a pause button, waiting for me to return.  Weird!  Yet it was intriguing, at the same time.

Still fearing what people would say about making changes to this hymn, I called my husband in for his opinion and played the new tune for him, hoping for some encouragement.  However, unfortunately, his comments only made things worse.  He really loved the new tune and accompaniment, but when he realized this music was to be attached to the words of the hymn he hesitated.  He then suggested that instead of changing a classic hymn favorite, perhaps I might write original words to go along with my original music, thus creating a new song entirely.  A very nice idea and a nice thought, and I would have loved to have done just that, but that wasn't the impression I kept getting.

I decided I needed to act on these impressions.  So this time, when I stepped away from the piano, I didn't toss the song aside.  I went directly to my computer and began putting the song on paper, all the while still inwardly convinced that it was a bad idea to mess with this hymn.  In spite of my hesitance, I also couldn't deny the impressions I was feeling to finish it, so I continued working until the accompaniment and melody were finally written.  Then, due to other church commitments, I had to let the song sit a few days before I could work on it again.  In the meantime, I continued to ponder it.

In the few days following, the song began to grow in my mind.  I felt impressed to add an additional instrument.  So an obbligato was added for violin or flute.  Since I was hoping to enter a song in the Relief Society category for the LDS Church's 2014 Music Submission contest, I decided the song would be for women.  Ultimately, it became a four-part women's chorus. 

When all was said and done, this new version of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" was really nothing like the original tune.  Once again, it terrified me to think of how others would react to this drastic change.  I wasn't quite sure what the Music Department of the LDS Church would think of it.  Maybe laugh?  I had no idea.  I knew it was a rather bold, long shot, but I also felt that if I didn't complete and submit it, I might be in trouble with the Lord, and I might never write another song.  So I completed the song as prayerfully as I could and submitted it, ready to accept whatever the outcome of the contest.

After submitting my version of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives," I was fairly convinced this particular songwriting experience was solely meant to be one of the many growing experiences for me, perhaps to help me overcome fear, which I have certainly experienced a lot of, especially on this song.  Or, perhaps it was to teach me obedience the hard way, somewhat like Jonah learned in the belly of a fish when he stubbornly refused to go to Nineveh to preach to the people.  Except in my instance, instead of being inside a fish belly (thank you for that, Lord!), I wasn't allowed to compose.  With my stubbornness and fears cast aside and a new version of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" finally completed, I was hopeful of being able to move on to other songs.  I really had no high expectations for the song and felt like its purpose had been served; I had learned about obedience and about overcoming (or at least facing) fear, and that would likely be the end of it.

To my surprise, the song was selected as a winner in the submission contest and was performed at the Church Music Festival on February 13, 2015.  In the several years I've been composing, I don't think I've ever been more nervous over a performance of one of my songs, with the exception of perhaps the first song I ever wrote.  During the concert I sat nervously, shaking and sweating, through the entire song wondering how people would react (silly of me, I know, but I couldn't help it!).  However, the choir performed the song so beautifully, and so sweetly that it also made me cry.  I felt so blessed, and humbled, to be there to hear them perform! 

When the song ended, I recall actually listening for gasps of horror and shock from the audience seated throughout the Assembly Hall.  However, the audience was kind, and I heard no such gasping or shouting, and no one (that I am aware of) walked out on the performance.  I had survived the song's debut, uninjured, and no worse for wear.  

When the concert was over many people approached me to offer sweet compliments and congratulations, including a few of the choir members who performed the song.  I was touched by their kindness.  Some of the choir members also left thoughtful notes for me to read later on.  If they only knew how much those messages meant to me!

Click here to listen to the song

As I've thought back on my experience writing this new melody I can't help but think about all of my fears, and wonder why it was so much worse for this song than others.  As the Bible says in 2 Timothy 1: 6-7, fear is not of God.  I also know that God is fully aware that we experience fear as part of our worldly trials.  Because of this He is also there to help us through our struggles with fear, if we can but turn to Him for help and comfort.  As I ponder these thoughts, words to another familiar Hymn come to mind;

Fear not, I am with thee;

Oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God

And will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee,

And cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous,

Omnipotent hand.

                                            

(How Firm A Foundation - LDS Hymn Book,Hymn #85)

While I did experience a lot of fear over this song, I also learned and gained something more.  When we work to try to overcome fear, God will indeed strengthen, and help us, and give us aid.  I cannot begin to measure the aid I received while writing this song.  Once I finally fought off the fear and began to actually write it, the song practically wrote itself.  I definitely had assistance!  Again, I am humbled at the thought of this and am mindful of the gentle, tender, teaching-methods the Lord uses while He helps me to grow.  I am ever grateful for His patience and mercy.

Marlene D. Bartlett

Roadblocks Can Lead to Wonderful Things

Dusting off the cobwebs today, realizing how long it has been since my last post!  My apologies!  Sometimes life gets so busy that a year, plus, flies by in the blink of an eye.  Has it really been that long?

I've been thinking a lot lately about roadblocks and how they can ultimately lead to wonderful things, depending on how they are handled.  When writing music I often develop a case of "composer's block", the musician's version of what an author might describe as writer's block, which of course is basically a roadblock.  Getting past these roadblocks depends largely on the way I approach a song.  Sometimes I'm simply too tired to get the right feel for it, or I may be experiencing too many distractions at that moment.  Sometimes I am not spiritually in tune enough to do anything with a song, and then sometimes I may be completely on the wrong track, as was the case with the song "Holy Jesus". This song initially had many roadblocks, and I have since determined that those obstacles were there for good reasons.  The song's issues were eventually resolved and it was ultimately selected as one of the winners in the LDS Church annual music submission contest and was performed in October, 2013, at the Relief Society Music Festival in Salt Lake City, Utah.  You can listen to Holy Jesus by clicking the link below:

Click Here to Listen

I thought I might write a little bit more about this song and the roadblocks I had to overcome before it could be completed. 

Some time towards the end of 2012 a portion of a simple melody popped into my mind with the words "Holy Jesus, (something) Jesus, la-la-la-la-la-la-la".  In other words, the only actual lyrics I had at the time and knew should be part of the song were simply two words, "Holy" and "Jesus".  I had absolutely no other words to go on.  Usually I will begin a song with a little more than two words so this wasn't my typical modus operandi, but the incomplete melody stuck and I felt impressed to do something with it.  I sat down at my computer and input the small portion of melody so I wouldn't forget what was in my mind.  I didn't know what the accompaniment should sound like at that time so that part was set aside while I mulled over what the words might become and did a lot of praying. 

For some reason I had initially thought the song might end up being a children's song; or perhaps I had hoped it might be.  I'm not certain.  I love writing children's songs for the LDS Church and since I had imagined this song as a new children's song I began to focus on it in that light.  However, for some reason the song wasn't going anywhere; no lyrics, no additional melody.  Huge composer's block.  So I set it aside for several months while I pondered and prayed some more about the simple melody and wondered what it was to become.  After awhile this "simple" melody began to grow in my mind.  I began to hear a flute obbligato, which became exciting to me because I had never written a song that included an instrument other than piano and organ.  This was new!  So, I sat back down at my computer and added the flute.  Not long after, I started to get a feel for the accompaniment which played off the flute, or rather they played off each other. 

Once I started to add the accompaniment it quickly became apparent that the song was becoming a little too complicated to be a children's song.  So I labored to simplify the accompaniment to fit more with a children's song, but it just wasn't working.  That flute and piano combination I had previously enjoyed no longer delighted me and the song just didn't feel right.  At this point I had to make a decision of whether to stubbornly continue in the direction of trying to simplify it into a children's song (which likely would have resulted in a dead end) or to let that idea go completely and see how the song would grow from there.  My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to go all-in.  What a wise decision!  Within mere moments of pursuing this new direction the song began to expand by leaps and bounds. Not only did the musicality of the song start to come together but the words also began to form.  No longer did I have to sing "la la la la la" to the melody.  There were meaningful lyrics! What a relief!  With words and music now working in sync together it quickly became apparent that this was not intended to be a children's song at all but was to be a song for women.  Ultimately, it became a four-part women's chorus.  

When I think back on that first simple melody that had popped into my mind so many months before, I never could have imagined what it might become.  Had I not found some way around the roadblocks I was experiencing, or had I not eventually acted on the inspiration I had been ignoring, who knows where the song might be today; possibly filed away as an unfinished children's song. 

Sometimes I wonder if the Lord grows weary of my stubbornness.  If I could only learn to respond better to the promptings I receive and act on them immediately I might avoid some of these roadblocks to begin with which would make things much easier on myself, and him.  But if he were to make it too easy for me to listen would I find as much joy in the end result, or, as I've experienced at other times throughout my composing journey, is the end result more joy-filled when I work through struggles to get the song completed, and learn something of value along the way?  This is how we grow; one step at a time, one experience at a time, one roadblock moved out of the way.  Isn't this what life is all about, to improve ourselves each day?  Then onward we go along the path of life until we hit another roadblock we need to work our way around.  And isn't life so much more rewarding when we do discover some way around the obstacles instead of being stuck behind one for the rest of our lives?  

I'm grateful for the challenges I've been able to work my way around thus far in my life that have lead to wonderful things.  I'm not saying I look forward to the next roadblock I will encounter along the way, but I will say that I am eagerly anticipating whatever joy awaits me on the other side of it.

Marlene D. Bartlett