Overcoming Fear - the story of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives"

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear;

but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."

(2 Timothy 1:6-7)

Towards the end of 2013, I was sitting at the piano flipping through the hymn book.  I stopped on a well-loved LDS favorite, "I Know That My Redeemer Lives", and began to play it, pondering the words while I played.  I've always loved Samuel Medley's beautiful words and the simple tune by Lewis D. Edwards.  As I finished playing this beautiful song the sweet message in the words continued to resonate within me.  At that moment,  quite unexpectedly, a new melody entered my mind; not the one that I was familiar with and had sung to those words all of my life, but something entirely different.  Curious, I began to play the new tune with my right hand, and no sooner had I begun when the full piano accompaniment presented itself, almost magically.  I was amazed at how quickly it had formed and was even more amazed to find that this new melody matched Samuel Medley's words completely.  Interesting! 

But then...

I got up from the piano and stepped away from it, quickly coming to my senses.  "No-o-o-o-o  way!"  I thought,  "Uh, uh!  I wouldn't dare touch that one with a ten-foot pole!"  My thoughts had returned to the original hymn as I argued with my inner self that "it's a classic", and "it's everyone's favorite", and "is one I would consider 'untouchable'", and that "people would think I was crazy for even trying to write a new melody to go along with those words."  So, firmly convinced it would be a disaster, and determined to ignore and forget the idea altogether, I went about the rest of my day thinking the new tune would simply slip from my mind. Well, apparently it wasn't that easy.

Throughout the following days,...then weeks,...then months, that new melody continued to haunt me.  Normally, with a few exceptions, when a new song pops into my mind if I don't take the time to actually write the tune on paper, or at the very least scrawl down just a few notes of it, the song will leave my mind entirely.  Poof!  Gone.  However, on this particular occasion I didn't write down a thing and yet the melody remained.  I had been so certain that it was such a bad idea to change the original hymn that I simply refused to go there.  I couldn't write it down.  I was actually quite terrified at the thought.  I was afraid.  But that didn't seem to matter, because the tune stuck with me...and it stuck with me whenever I sat down to work on another song project.  Each time I made an attempt to work on another song I accomplished absolutely nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  All I kept getting was composer's block on every song I pulled out. 

After what seemed like months of struggle, with nothing more to show for my efforts, I finally relented (yeah, I'm kind of a slow learner, as you might have guessed).  I sat back down at the piano, opened up the hymnal to "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" and began to play it, but not as it is written in the hymn book; I played it with the new melody.  Once again, the accompaniment came easily and all was as it had been when I played it months before, as though someone had simply pressed a pause button, waiting for me to return.  Weird!  Yet it was intriguing, at the same time.

Still fearing what people would say about making changes to this hymn, I called my husband in for his opinion and played the new tune for him, hoping for some encouragement.  However, unfortunately, his comments only made things worse.  He really loved the new tune and accompaniment, but when he realized this music was to be attached to the words of the hymn he hesitated.  He then suggested that instead of changing a classic hymn favorite, perhaps I might write original words to go along with my original music, thus creating a new song entirely.  A very nice idea and a nice thought, and I would have loved to have done just that, but that wasn't the impression I kept getting.

I decided I needed to act on these impressions.  So this time, when I stepped away from the piano, I didn't toss the song aside.  I went directly to my computer and began putting the song on paper, all the while still inwardly convinced that it was a bad idea to mess with this hymn.  In spite of my hesitance, I also couldn't deny the impressions I was feeling to finish it, so I continued working until the accompaniment and melody were finally written.  Then, due to other church commitments, I had to let the song sit a few days before I could work on it again.  In the meantime, I continued to ponder it.

In the few days following, the song began to grow in my mind.  I felt impressed to add an additional instrument.  So an obbligato was added for violin or flute.  Since I was hoping to enter a song in the Relief Society category for the LDS Church's 2014 Music Submission contest, I decided the song would be for women.  Ultimately, it became a four-part women's chorus. 

When all was said and done, this new version of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" was really nothing like the original tune.  Once again, it terrified me to think of how others would react to this drastic change.  I wasn't quite sure what the Music Department of the LDS Church would think of it.  Maybe laugh?  I had no idea.  I knew it was a rather bold, long shot, but I also felt that if I didn't complete and submit it, I might be in trouble with the Lord, and I might never write another song.  So I completed the song as prayerfully as I could and submitted it, ready to accept whatever the outcome of the contest.

After submitting my version of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives," I was fairly convinced this particular songwriting experience was solely meant to be one of the many growing experiences for me, perhaps to help me overcome fear, which I have certainly experienced a lot of, especially on this song.  Or, perhaps it was to teach me obedience the hard way, somewhat like Jonah learned in the belly of a fish when he stubbornly refused to go to Nineveh to preach to the people.  Except in my instance, instead of being inside a fish belly (thank you for that, Lord!), I wasn't allowed to compose.  With my stubbornness and fears cast aside and a new version of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" finally completed, I was hopeful of being able to move on to other songs.  I really had no high expectations for the song and felt like its purpose had been served; I had learned about obedience and about overcoming (or at least facing) fear, and that would likely be the end of it.

To my surprise, the song was selected as a winner in the submission contest and was performed at the Church Music Festival on February 13, 2015.  In the several years I've been composing, I don't think I've ever been more nervous over a performance of one of my songs, with the exception of perhaps the first song I ever wrote.  During the concert I sat nervously, shaking and sweating, through the entire song wondering how people would react (silly of me, I know, but I couldn't help it!).  However, the choir performed the song so beautifully, and so sweetly that it also made me cry.  I felt so blessed, and humbled, to be there to hear them perform! 

When the song ended, I recall actually listening for gasps of horror and shock from the audience seated throughout the Assembly Hall.  However, the audience was kind, and I heard no such gasping or shouting, and no one (that I am aware of) walked out on the performance.  I had survived the song's debut, uninjured, and no worse for wear.  

When the concert was over many people approached me to offer sweet compliments and congratulations, including a few of the choir members who performed the song.  I was touched by their kindness.  Some of the choir members also left thoughtful notes for me to read later on.  If they only knew how much those messages meant to me!

Click here to listen to the song

As I've thought back on my experience writing this new melody I can't help but think about all of my fears, and wonder why it was so much worse for this song than others.  As the Bible says in 2 Timothy 1: 6-7, fear is not of God.  I also know that God is fully aware that we experience fear as part of our worldly trials.  Because of this He is also there to help us through our struggles with fear, if we can but turn to Him for help and comfort.  As I ponder these thoughts, words to another familiar Hymn come to mind;

Fear not, I am with thee;

Oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God

And will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee,

And cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous,

Omnipotent hand.

                                            

(How Firm A Foundation - LDS Hymn Book,Hymn #85)

While I did experience a lot of fear over this song, I also learned and gained something more.  When we work to try to overcome fear, God will indeed strengthen, and help us, and give us aid.  I cannot begin to measure the aid I received while writing this song.  Once I finally fought off the fear and began to actually write it, the song practically wrote itself.  I definitely had assistance!  Again, I am humbled at the thought of this and am mindful of the gentle, tender, teaching-methods the Lord uses while He helps me to grow.  I am ever grateful for His patience and mercy.

Marlene D. Bartlett